Fear or loss of motivation

Greetings to you, friend!

A few observations from yesterday . . .

Driving home from work I saw two middle-aged men on scooters racing down the road like they thought they were in a Nascar race.

There was a piece of what used to be a big-truck tire lying on the side of the highway today looked like a turtle.

I passed a small pickup truck that sounded exactly like an old Volkswagen Beetle.

When people have stupid questions I am always the one they feel the need to call. (WTF!)

And now on to bigger and better things . . .

I have a goal that I am trying to reach at the moment. I am so close to reaching that goal, but my motivation seems to have stalled.

When I got my e-reader I noticed that the number of self-publishers was astounding. People who used to write short stories and books just to get it down on paper and out of their heads are now able to self-publish their works through the e-book platform. It’s an amazing thing because I have discovered some pretty decent, if not really darn good, writers that might not have otherwise been published had it not been for their self-published e-book.

Having spent the better part of my life with a notebook in front of me and a writing utensil in my hand I thought I would give it a try. I came up with a simple idea and just started writing. I’m sure that professional writers would cringe at the way I have gone about writing my book, but I don’t care. My way works for me. I started with one character and just wrote, letting that character tell their story. I had no idea what would happen to that character or even how the story would end. Now I am at the end of the story and I can’t seem to finish it. Maybe I am afraid to finish it for fear that I won’t know what to do with my time after that. Maybe I am afraid that I won’t know what to write about once this book is done. Maybe I am afraid to publish it for fear that nobody will want to read it.

My goal was to actually finish the story (something I have rarely been able to do) and to put it out into the great big world of other self-published writers. I said that I didn’t care if nobody downloaded it, that it wouldn’t bother me if nobody liked it. Who am I kidding though? I want people to like my book. I want my book to be the most downloaded e-book EVER. I want to take the self-publishing world by storm. Don’t we all want to reach for the stars when we set goals?

By sharing this with you I am not looking for motivation from strangers to finish my book. I have family and friends already pushing me to do that. I guess that, in sharing this story with you, I am just putting out into the great big unknown that I am scared: scared that nobody will like my story, especially my family and friends; scared that what I considered my literary baby will lay a big turd; scared that achieving my goal will only end in failure.

So, it makes more sense to “lose motivation” than to finish the story, right? I know, I know. My notebook is sitting on the couch next to me begging me to finish the last few pages of the book. My laptop stares at me begging me to finish typing and editing the book. My friends and family have turned this entire goal of mine into the literary Olympics. “Come on, Carrie, you can finish it. Go Carrie!” My own cheerleaders in my race against . . . myself. I am lucky to have them, but at the same time . . . PRESSURE!!!! I don’t want to disappoint them if my book is not what they were hoping.

I am not looking for pity or added motivation by saying all of this to you. I just wanted to share my insecurity. I will eventually finish my book (I hope). The thing I am looking forward to the most when it finally is published is the look on my best friend’s face when he sees that the book is dedicated to him. I just hope I can make him proud.

Thanks for listening.

Until next time . . .


Ready for Spring Training

I am a St. Louis Cardinals fan.  I have been all of my life.  They have a fantastic and storied history, and are a team that has produced hometown favorites and world-renowned legends.

Tonight I watched their season come to a rather inglorious end.  Throughout the game I hoped that maybe, just maybe, we would get to see the miracle comeback that we saw in game 6 in 2011.  Instead tonights game 6 ended with a cheering team of Red Sox celebrating their 2nd World Series win against the Cardinals in 10 years.

Baseball is my favorite sport and the off-season is long and boring.  I count the days until Spring Training starts.  I really didn’t want to lose to Boston, but at the end of the day they outplayed us.  St. Louis had a great season and I cheer them for making another appearance in October baseball.  Busch will have a new NLCS pennant to hang on opening day next year.

Speaking of next year . . . 5 months until spring training starts.

Congratulations to the Red Sox on their win.  It’s time for a Cardinals Nation group hug to mourn our loss, then we’ll put on our big-girl panties and start preparing for next season.

It would have been great to bring the trophy home again, though.

Until next time . . .

Nice to meet you!

Greetings and salutations, my friend.  Welcome to this new venture in my writing “career.”

As we get to know each other more you will learn that I love to talk and love to write . . . poems, short stories, e-mails, notes-to-self, grocery lists, messages in greeting cards.  Most of what I write is, in my own mind, brilliant . . . Pulitzer prize winning.  Others may disagree, but who cares!  Give me a pen and an empty notebook and I am good to go.
I am a mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee, and arachnophobe.  I am loud-mouthed, short-tempered, short on patience, and just short.
My friends are my world.  I have few close friends, but I hold those people very close to my heart and consider them to be family more than my own family in most instances.  My best friend is a guy whose girlfriend is a complete fucking idiot who I want to punch in the face sometimes.  She is his mistake though, so what’s a girl to do?  Maybe his girlfriend is my lesson in patience.
I am a total sap.  Romantic stories reduce me to tears at the drop of a hat.  It’s actually quite pathetic.  In all honesty though there is a baseball-themed beer commercial on t.v. that has the same effect on me.  Crybaby, you may say.  Nope.  I am just overly moved by the emotion conveyed in a message.  Alright, that’s bullshit.  I am an overly sensitive crybaby.  I always make sure to keep tissues close by.I am one who claims to seek calm and order in my life.  A childhood of chaos and constant change have made me fear change and drama.  Yet, somehow it finds me always.  Maybe I subconsciously seek it out because that is the only way I know how to live.  What do you think?I am a watcher (and judge) of people.  I say that I try not to judge, but who am I kidding.  You are lying to yourself if you say you never judge people.  You know I am right.  I do like to watch people though.  Their actions and lack of actions say more about  person than words ever will.  I learn more about my friends by just watching the way they behave.

Now I am just rambling.  I told you I love to talk.

We shall meet again soon, maybe with a specific topic in mind.

Until we meet again, my friend.