Ready for change

I remember when I first got into radio . . . I was in love with it.  My dreams were big and the future seemed wide open.  I was going to take the radio world by storm and be the next Dick Clark or Kasey Kasem.  In the studio I felt at home for the first time ever.  I had found my calling.

Now, 14 years later, my “calling” has come to feel like a chore.  It’s something I have to do instead of something I get to do.  I would be perfectly happy right now to hang up my headphones and let my on-air name die quietly.  It’s not that I am unhappy with the station that I work for.  It’s that radio no longer means to me what it meant 14 years ago.  Some people might call it burnout.  Some would say that I’ve gotten jaded or disillusioned.  I would say that my priorities have changed.

14 years ago I was a sheltered, naive girl who was searching for acceptance within herself and from everyone around her.  I’ve since found acceptance from myself and I think I’m pretty amazing.  I am perky, loud, giggly, loving, devoted, and creative.  I am unique.  I am my own person.  I totally rock!  I am also impatient, short-tempered, foul-mouthed, and insecure.  I am human.

People are always growing and changing.  We’re not meant to stay the same.  If we did stay the same then I would still be in love with New Kids On The Block and be living in my mom or dad’s basement.  I’ve grown and changed since the first time I opened a microphone 14 years ago.  I no longer have stars in my eyes and no longer seek the acceptance of others.  If somebody likes me then I am happy with that.  If somebody hates me then that is their choice and their right.  I can’t change it.

For the most part I am a pretty private person.  There are just some aspects of myself that others do no need to know about.  My boss recently told me that I need to open myself up more to my listeners.  What I want to open up about with them I can not because the company doesn’t want to alienate listeners.  I love and work in the Bible belt.  How can being open about my faith alienate listeners?  Yet talking up a song about drinking or murdering cheating spouses is completely okey dokey.  I can’t say “praise God” on the air, but Carrie Underwood can sing about a wife and mistress murdering their shared man.  I am in the wrong forum apparently.  There is no wrong way to share the word of God.  I just need to find a new, more accepting outlet for those words.

It’s time to leave radio.  It’s time to step back from the 100,000-watt-powered machine of requests and cheap giveaways.  It’s time to walk away from the over-inflated, self-indulgent ego of the female morning show host.  It’s time to say goodbye to the general manager that, no matter what he gives lip-service to, wants the station to come first and foremost in everybody’s life.

Radio was my life, but it means nothing to me anymore.

But where do I go from here?

I used to be terrified of change.  A childhood filled with chaos and constant upheaval left me as an adult searching for stability and control, even if that meant I was left in an unhappy situation.  The only thing that mattered to me was stability, predictability.  God is working in me and in my life.  I no longer fear change.  I am excited about it.  I look forward to where God will lead me.

I am ready to leave radio behind, but everything happens in His time.  He will lead me away from the microphone and into the next chapter in my life when His time is right.

I can’t wait to see what God has planned for me.

Until next time . . .

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