Almost a year ago A Tale of A T-Rex was born. I wanted a place to work on my writing in a public forum, and also a place to be open and honest about my life. At the time there were things going on in my life that I could not talk to anybody about. I needed a place to get that stuff out. I write under a fake name so that people I know can’t find me, because there are times when I speak far less than highly about some people I know . . . more specifically, my son’s babysitter and a certain co-worker. I don’t use the real names of people, if I use names at all (the drummer has always been “the drummer”). All of that is so that I can open up and still maintain a certain level of anonymity.
Last week my best friend came to me and asked where he could start a blog without being found. He knows about A Tale . . . though he doesn’t know its name or the name I write under. The next day he started his own blog. I had no fear of him finding me since he doesn’t read other posts. He just writes to write. I didn’t ask him the name of his blog or anything. I didn’t want to know. It wasn’t from a lack of interest. It was because I knew he would be writing about very personal things that he might not be ready to share with those that know him. There is safety is sending thoughts out into the great big void, but it’s terrifying to share those same thoughts with people you know. It’s the same reason I started posting almost a year ago.
Then a few days ago he told me the name of his blog. He wanted me to read it. I asked him if he wanted me to follow it. He said he didn’t care. I am a bit torn as to what to do. If I read his blog then I will be climbing into his head and encounter things about him or his troubled past that he has fought for so long to hide from me. If I follow his blog than he will have access to mine and thus anonymity goes out the window. I have written about him . . . several times. I have also written things that I have not told him.
I know this all sounds rather trivial but I feel like the mask I have spent almost a year wearing is in his hands and he’s about to pull it off. How can I hide behind “Carrie Leigh” if he reads my posts and sees not just some random person but friend and co-worker? How can I continue to be as honest as I want to be if I’m worried that he’ll see my post?
Though he has taken a big step and invited me further into his head that he ever has by inviting me to read his blog I think it’s best if I just stay away. It’s best for him and for me. I don’t want to have to sacrifice the one place I have to really open up for the sake of someone else’s feelings (as horribly selfish as that sounds). I spend my whole life censoring myself so that others don’t get hurt or offended. Right here, right now is the only place I have to strip off facade and let it out.
I love my best friend, but letting him in here is the only thing I can not do for him. I’m just not ready for that yet.
Until next time . . .