Insecurity attack

So, even as I type this I am laying in bed.  I am replaying my evening in my head.  More specifically I am replaying the meeting at church this evening about our upcoming Halloween party.  In attendance was me, 2 gentleman, the pastor and his wife.  My pastor took the opportunity this evening to share with the others that I am now the new outreach leader for the church.
Just between you and me, I’m still really freaked out by that idea.  Not in a bad way.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am just a very introverted person.  I am socially awkward and in social settings I tend to just stick to myself.  So last Sunday when my pastor said he wanted me to be the new outreach leader for the church I immediately wondered if he was talking to the right girl.  Surely a wallflower can’t lead the church into the community.  There is no way that me, miss-insecure-raging-stage-fright can inspire others to be the hands and feet of Jesus when I can barely ask someone how they are doing on a Sunday morning before service.  I am a follower, not a leader.  You tell me where to go and when to be there and I am there working my butt off.
So tonight during our party planning meeting I was prepared with a list of ideas for games and activities.  I had a list of business that I would like to call on to ask for donated door prizes.  I could see the whole entire event planned in my head.  The event that I saw was a raging success.  I was so exited to make a splash and impress everyone with my party-planning skills.  Tonight I discovered though that all of my ideas were wrong and that I have so much to learn.
Now this Halloween party is to be my training in to how to be the outreach leader for the church.  My pastor wants me to step way out of my comfort zone and be able to recruit people from the church to help organize and carry out the event so that I will be able to do the same without his help for future events.  In other words, he wants me to jump out of my comfort zone and leap blindly into another zone in a foreign country on another planet.
I am second-guessing my decision to accept the role within the church.  I am doing so because I am insecure and already feel the fringes of my comfort to be threatened.  I am doing so because I feel like I am just going to botch the whole event and nobody will show up.  I am doing so because I am terrified that my pastor will come to me and say, “You know what, Carrie, it turns out I was wrong about you.  You are a good follower, but not what we need in a leader.”  I’m afraid I’ll let him down, the church down, and myself down.
I have a servant’s heart.  I know that.  I’ve always known that.  Nothing makes me happier than to do for others, to bring a bit of joy into someone’s life.  But if I fail at this what will that say about my ability to serve?  If I can’t serve the church then how can I serve God?
Can you hear me psyching myself out right now?
I want to make a success of this.  I want to prove to the church that I can be a good leader.  I want to prove to my pastor that he was right about me.  I want to prove to myself that I can inspire others with my heart and that I’m not just a wallflower.
But I am so scared.
I keep trying to remind myself of what my pastor said to me on Sunday . . . “God doesn’t call the qualified.  He qualifies the called.”
And so begins the new chapter in my service to the Lord.  Keep me (and my insecurity) in your prayers.
Until next time . . .


2 thoughts on “Insecurity attack”

    1. But as someone who has suffered from insecurity most of my life it does come back to bite me in the butt sometimes. That is when I need, and use, prayer to overcome it. I know that my insecurity, if allowed to run rampant, will pull me away from God’s plan for me. I address it and go to God with it to lay it to rest.

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