Have you ever used toilet paper to get to know a person?
No, I am not kidding. No, I don’t mean, “you can tell a lot about a person by the kind of toilet paper they buy.” I think the fact that they are buying toilet paper tells us more than enough about some people. They are regular. They do some pooping that necessitates the purchase of bum-cleansing paper products. Let’s all be honest and admit that aside from that fact that we all know everybody poops, there are just some people that we do not want to know anymore about.
Last night at my bible study group we used toilet paper to get to know more about each other. I know what you’re thinking . . . “Gross,” but stick with me here. Each Sunday evening I go to a bible study group. We eat. We talk. We delve further into the sermon from that morning. Last night after we finished eating but before we got into the discussion my pastor lead the group of us, about 10 people, in an icebreaker. It’s a different question every week, and it serves a couple of purposes. It helps the group get to know each other a bit better, and it helps everyone loosen up and get into chatty mode. Nobody noticed the two rolls of toilet paper that appeared in the room until our pastor started passing them around with instructions to take off as many squares as we thought we would need. What he didn’t tell us was what we would need them for. We are all giggling like little kids as the rolls make their way around the room. Some people only took a few squares. Some people took many, many, many squares. Nobody noticed that our pastor and his wife each only took one square each. That is until . . .
“For our icebreaker tonight you have to tell the group something about yourself for each square you have,” says my pastor. That is when everybody noticed that he and his wife each had only one square. The people who had many, many, many squares groaned. The others giggled.
“Who’s going to start us off,” he asked. I raised my hand.
Six squares. Six things about me. I realized then just how difficult it is to come up with things about yourself on the spot. I resorted to the standby facts.
1. My favorite color is purple.
2. My husband and I got engaged on our 2nd date.
3. I knew when I was 14 that I wanted to be in radio.
4. My husband and I got married in Elvis’ birthday.
5. My favorite artist is Elvis.
6. My favorite band is Aerosmith.
As we made our way around the room I thought of other things I could have said, but in the moment it was much like writing the “about me” page for this blog. “What do I say? What would people like to hear about me that makes me sound fun and interesting and not like the geek that I am?” Then much later you think of ten-thousand other things you could have said. It never fails.
In honor of all the great things I could have said, (picking up where my toilet paper left off) here goes . . .
7. My husband and I got married twice. Legally on October 29th, and before friends and family on Elvis’ birthday.
8. My second favorite color is silver.
9. I was a band geek in school. I played the B-Flat Clarinet from the time I was 9 until I was 22, and E-Flat Clarinet and Alto Saxophone my Sophomore and Senior years. I tried playing the Flute and Oboe, but I had a hard time making that transition.
10. I adore The Who as much as Aerosmith.
11. I was the product of an abusive, alcoholic stepfather.
12. I own, and sometimes wear in public for no reason other than every girl should do it, a tiara. It’s amazing how much confidence a cheap, plastic tiara with shiny, plastic rhinestones can give you. No woman is too old to want to feel like a princess.
13. At 37 years old I can still do a crazy good little girl voice. I use it for commercials at the station. That voice even has a name. She is a 5 year old named Tiffany who loves chicken mcnugget happy meals with orange drink, and gets pissed because her mom won’t let her have the happy meal toy until her food is gone.
14. John Cusack is one of my all-time favorite actors.
15. I adore classic black-and-white movies. Movies these days are crap.
16. When I was 20 years old an ex boyfriend tried raped me. Later he and his mother guilted me into not saying or doing anything. I kept it a secret for years. By doing that the only one who suffered was me. Never keep something like that a secret. Never let somebody else steal your voice.
17. My first (and still favorite to this day) vehicle was a 1986 Toyota pickup truck. She was blue with silver stripes and her name was Baby.
18. I am a Dr. Pepper junkie. Must. Have. Caffeine!
19. I think everything is better with more color and sparkle.
20. I believe there is something good inside everybody, even the people that everyone else has given up on.
21. I can’t use utensils that are bent or have textured handles.
22. I published a 250-plus-page book on Amazon.
23. I handwrote the entire rough draft in purple, 3-subject, spiral notebooks.
24. I love kitties.
25. I believe in ghosts.
26. I was born in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
27. I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri. Go Cards!
28. The biggest thing holding me back from doing anything is myself.
29. I rarely cut my hair (like once ever two years, maybe) because I am afraid the stylist will cut too much off and make me look like Mrs. Potatohead.
30. I am TERRIFIED of spiders.
31. I am a child of God.
32. I don’t have grey hair. I have naturally grown hair glitter.
33. I always get the best writing ideas when I am in the shower or just about to fell asleep.
I know there is a lot more, but well save that for another roll of toilet paper. What I want to know is what would your toilet paper say about you?
Until next time . . .