When will healing come?

2 weeks as of today.  That’s how long this mess has been unfolding everyday at work.  With each day that passes more misdeeds come to light.  Lies told.  Money stolen.  People hurt.  And each day, and each revelation, seems to continue to be worse than the one before.  How much lower can it get?  Was there no point at which the offender said, “maybe this is taking all of this too far?”  With as far down as everything went, that is further that we, the remaining staff, are having to climb back up.  And just when we think we’ve made it up a few feet and maybe everything is leveling off along comes another blow that knocks the station back down.
Morale at my radio station sucks right now.  Everyone is so discouraged, angry, and broken hearted.  You can see in everyone’s eyes the protective mental armor that comes from extended periods of disappointment and disbelief.  Nobody is capable of raising their eyes up, because to look up means that we may see more hidden misdeeds coming to light.  We all talk quietly like we’re at a funeral, and in a way we are in mourning.  The person we knew, and the way of life at the station, is dead.  We are now in a position to find our own way through the mess he created, and we are angry.  We are very angry.  He name has become a curse word worse than the longest string of f-bombs.  We struggle to get through each day without running into something we are having to clean up because of him.
2 weeks ago he was loved.  2 weeks ago he was respected.  2 weeks ago he was a member of our work family, someone we were positive we could turn to for advice and support.  And then the truth came out about what he had been doing behind our backs.  How could we all have been so blind?  How could we not see this coming?  Were there no signs?  Sure, we can see the signs now, but hindsight is always 20/20.
I am so confused right now.  I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I feel betrayed.  And I feel guilty for feeling all of those things.  I know I should forgive him for everything, but right now I just can’t.  Just when I think I am able to forgive him, something else comes out that he did, and I get kicked down again.  By giving voice to these feelings, and by not making my peace with him and not forgiving him, I am giving strength to the negativity this situation has caused.  And the negativity is running rampant through the station right now like the nastiest toxic waste.  Will we ever be able to get out of it?  Will we ever be able to recover and have a day that his actions do not cloud?
I want to forgive him.  I don’t want to be angry at him anymore.  I want to stop caring about the man I though he was so that I can pray for the recovery of the man he actually is.  I want to know that he feels honestly remorseful for the things he did.  I want him to own up to everything and apologize.  I guess what I am still searching for is the closure that may will eventually come in time.  Just when I think closure may be possible something else happens to steal it away.
When a loved one passes away an important part of the grieving process is to actually see the body, because then our brain can accept the fact that the person is gone, and the mourning process is shortened.  By not seeing the body, our brain can continue to live in denial about the persons passing, and the mourning process takes longer to get through.  That is why funeral visitations are so important.  They give the opportunity to say goodbye.  I haven’t gotten to say goodbye.  I hear these things about this man, but without hearing him say it himself my brain doesn’t want to believe it.  My mourning process is slow in getting to the acceptance stage.  I miss him.  No matter what he did to me, to my coworkers, to the station, I miss him.  I miss him very much, and it fucking hurts!  I want to scream and yell at him.  I want to hurt him as much as this whole situation has hurt me and my coworkers.  I want to hate him.  I want to be able to say, “if I saw him right now it’s knock his ass out,” or “I am completely done with him forever,” like my coworkers do.  But I can feel that way, or say those things.  Because truth be told, if I saw him right now I would probably give him a hug, and try to talk to him.  I would offer him support and help.  Something inside that man is broken, and there is nothing I can do to help him fix it.  I am completely powerless, and I hate it.  I hate everything about this entire situation.  I want my workplace to go back to where it was 2 weeks ago, even if we were all blind to the truth.
When will the hurt in my heart go away?  When will I no longer worry about what may happen to him?  When will I no longer want to cry?  When, when, WHEN will healing come?


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