Ch-ch-changes

Change.  Some people love and embrace it.  Others hate it and fight it every step of the way.  I am a change fighter.  This month has made me almost unbearable to be around at work.

First we lost our general manager and his wife after it came to light that they were stealing from the company.  Then my program director moved to the morning show.  Then I (temporarily) moved to the afternoon on-air shift.  Then duties got rearranged.  Then we (finally) hired a new on-air person.  My program director got promoted to general manager.  The main morning show host got promoted to program director.  The new guy got hired to be the production director (my job), and I got moved to promotions.  Today has been a day of people moving their work areas from one desk to another.  Everything is changing, and it is making me extremely uncomfortable.

When I was a kid there was always a lot of change in my life that I had no control over.  My mom, sister, and I moved a lot.  I switched school frequently.  Some people in that situation learn to embrace change and roll with it.  In my case I avoid change.  I just like things to stay calm and predictable and unchanging.  Change scares me.  It brings out my ugly side.  I feel completely out of control.  I don’t know what to expect for tomorrow.  I like crave routine.  I need it to function.  Without routine I am lost.

I have been lost for the past month and a half, and nobody understands how I feel about everything that is going on.  All they can say it that change is good, change is something you must accept.  I understand that.  I know that nothing stays the same.  But there is too much and it’s happening too fast for me.  I don’t know where I fit in anymore.  I am lost.

I am optimistic about what the future holds for my radio station.  It is already a completely different place than it was 2 months ago.  I have faith that my newly-appointed general manager will lead us to big things.  I have faith that my newly appointed program director will make wise decisions for the product we are delivering on-air to the listeners.  I have no faith in the new production director.  I have no faith in myself in my new promotions position.  Everyday I have to convince myself to come to work.  I just want to hide from this place until everything calms down.

I’m 38 years old, and I realize that my attitude regarding all of the change going on around me sounds like the ravings of a teenager.  I also just realized how ironic this post is considering that at church we just wrapped up a sermon series titled “Change.”  Maybe I need to review the notes.  I am a creature of habit, and when things remain predictable then I know what to expect from each day.  I know where I stand in the grand scheme of things.  I know what is expected of me.  With all of the upheaval at the station lately though I don’t know anything.  I have no purpose or direction.  Everything will eventually calm down and we will fall into our new routine, and I look forward to that day.  But until then all I can do is take a deep breath and hold on tight, because I have no idea where this ride is headed.

Until next time . . .

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