I think I am trying to get myself fired. I tried quitting over the the summer, and that didn’t work out so well. I’m still here. I don’t have the courage to quit because change is scary. I have little to no other skills that might translate to another career. So here I stay at the radio station that is making me miserable.
A couple of months ago I thought I could tough it out. I convinced myself that things would look better with all the changes going on around here. Instead all I am is even more unhappy. People keep saying that I need to let the dust settle, wait it out so that we can all find our new routine. The problem is that I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, so I can’t find any routine, much less a new one.
I don’t have the courage to quit my job without having something secure lined up to start the next day. So maybe I am trying to get fired. If I get fired then I will be forced to find a new job.
I look at my mental state at work, at the difficult time I am giving the new production director (the new me) and all I can think is “what the hell is wrong with me?” I know what is going on. I am hurt that the company felt that I would be better purposed in another position, even though I had everything in my production position running like a machine. I am hurt that all I seem to be doing at the station is bitch work . . . the little piddly stuff that would normally be given to an intern. Nothing that I am doing lately requires me to think at all.
But then again, there are no small jobs, just small people. Every task make a difference in the long run. So why can’t I be happy that I have my job, instead of complaining that I feel like I have gotten domoted?
I have always felt like the lowest rung on the corporate ladder at this station. There has always been someone who was better, that the listeners loved more, that was more deserving of the recognition for all the hard work they have done. Yes, I realize that I am pulling the victim card at the moment, but I am hurt. I am angry. I am sad. I feel like I mean nothing to this company.
I saw a meme on Facebook recently that said something along the lines of, “if you are constantly trying to prove your worth to others then you have forgotten your worth to yourself,” or something similar. Maybe that is the problem. Everything is in such a state of flux that I have no idea what I am doing, and therefore I feel worthless to myself.
Wow . . .
When the nail is hit on the head there is nothing left to say.
Until next time . . .