Today has been a rough day. On the outside everything is peachy keen. There have been no catastrophes. Nothing has broken, fallen apart, or gone haywire. The rough day has been purely in my head. And any Christian can tell you that the first place Satan will attack you is in your head. He climbs in there and tries to set up house. He kicks back and makes himself comfortable. Today has been one of those days for me. I know what is going on. I know that it is Satan who is at work in there, because no negative thought would come from God. God will never tell you that you are a bad person. God will never tell you that you aren’t worthy enough to worship him. I know who is at work in my head, and I am having a really hard time getting him out, and it hurts.
I know how it started. I could feel it coming, but didn’t fight hard enough, didn’t fight properly, to ward off the attack.
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion, and a prime example of God at work in the life of one of His children. As a result of everything that happened in his life my friend, Brian, finally made the decision to turn to Christ. I was elated. I wanted to shout and sing for joy. Brian was pulled from Satan’s grasp. Hallelujah! On Monday morning he went to see his pastor and got baptized. God is so good!
Recently he met a young woman who is so good for him. She is a devoted mother and strong in her faith. From everything that he has told me this young woman is a blessing straight from God for him. I couldn’t be happier, especially considering the woman that he recently broke up with. So where is the problem?
The problem is with me and me alone.
I am jealous. I am hurt. I am angry. I feel left behind and unneeded. I feel abandoned. Brian leans on me when he has problems, when he needs an ear, and when he needs a shoulder. That’s what we expect from our friends . . . for them to be there not just in the good times, but in the rough times also. And as his friend that is what I am here for. I love him, and want nothing more than to see him happy. So why can’t I be happy that he has found peace and joy in his life for the first time in forever? Because I am selfish.
I don’t want a romantic relationship with Brian. I don’t look at him that way. He is my friend, and he is my brother in Christ. What I want is to not feel like I am just an occasional friend. I don’t want to feel like I am the one to turn to only when he has fallen down. Maybe I have misconstrued the depth of our friendship. Maybe I am just a co-worker that happens to know him well. I am selfish and I want his attention. I want him to need me and turn to me.
Just reading all of that has me convinced that I am a terrible person. Satan is at work so hard in my head that it is ridiculous. And what’s sad is that I saw this coming, felt it starting, and didn’t go to God with it. “I can control this. I can control these thoughts.” But I can’t. Right now I am sitting in my studio at work and can’t even talk to Brian, or even look at him, because I know what is floating around in my head like toxic waste.
Until next time . . .