(image courtesy of http://thewordfortheday.tumblr.com)
I think that in searching for yourself you will find who God created you to be.
I spent years of my life trying to be what others wanted or needed me to be. I wore the kinds of clothes that others wore. I shared the opinions of my peers. I liked the boys that were acceptable, and kept it quiet when I was actually interested in a boy that my peers may have looked down on. After high school I enrolled in the college classes that my father wanted me to take on a path to a degree that he wanted me to get. I knew what I wanted, but because I had spent so long trying to be like everyone else, I didn’t know who I was. And because I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what God wanted for me and my life.
In my mid-twenties I moved to a different state and was, for the first time, away from all of my familiar influences. I finally had a chance to get to know who I was. I embraced what others see as my quirky personality. Over the years I started to see my strengths, and in turn I also started to see my true weaknesses. In the past couple of years I have been able to see how God made me, and because of that I can see what God wants me to do with my life.
Yes, my former stepfather was an abusive alcoholic.
Yes, my father is a recovering drug addict.
Yes, I cheated on my husband. And Yes, I confessed it to him and received his grace and forgiveness.
Yes, I have stayed too long in relationships that I knew were abusive.
Yes, I am codependent.
Yes, God allowed me to endure hardship in my life.
But . . .
Yes, I am strong.
Yes, I am empathetic.
Yes, I have experience that God wants me to use to help others.
Once I got to know myself, who I am and what made me, I was able to see what God wants for me. I would not have discovered God’s plan for me had I not taken the time to get to know myself.
I got into radio when I was 24 years old, because that was what I wanted for my life. I was searching for approval and acceptance. I was searching for love and admiration. I was searching for whatever would fill up the emptiness in my life. It turns out that the only thing that could fill that hole was God. When He found me He filled that hole in my life and opened my eyes to who I am. He showed me the ways in which he shaped me into the woman he wants me to be. I am more than a wife and mother. I am more than a daughter and sister. I am more than an aunt and cousin. I am a writer. I am a lover. I am a friend. I am a rainbow on someones rainy day. I am a daughter of God. I am a sister in Christ. I am a leader and a follower. I am a radio d.j. that is going back to school this fall to become a social worker.
Each Friday I am at Celebrate Recovery at my church. One thing that is said in Celebrate Recovery is that God never wastes a hurt. I have been saying for a very long time that I’d like to go back to school, but I didn’t know what for. I didn’t know what the end goal would be. But, again, God showed me who I am and how he shaped me. When I was able to see that, I was able to see the path for my return to school. I endured abuse. I have been through my loved-ones addictions. I have grown and learned from those experiences. God created me in such a way that children love me. Maybe it’s because of my lack of height, and they see me being more down on their level than other adults. Maybe it’s because I enjoy throwing off my adultness and playing a good game of make-believe with them. God had been showing me that for years, but it wasn’t until I recognized who I am and how God shaped me that I was able to see what God wants for me. And then it was like getting smack in the head with a brick. Where I had been wondering for so long what God wanted for my life, I wondered why I hadn’t been able to see it for so long. Where I had wondered why God created me the way he did, I saw his plan for me. Where I wondered why I had been made to endure child abuse and others addictions, I was able to see myself sitting with a child that is the victim of the same circumstances. I was able to see myself loving that child, encouraging that child, being a safe person in that child’s life, and that is God’s plan for my life. I was not able to see any of it until I found out who I am. I found myself in God.
Who are you?
Who are you in God?
What does God want for you?
Until next time . . .