It’s the middle of the night. Everyone in my house is asleep. Everyone except for me. I am restless. I have spent the last two-and-a-half hours trying to fall asleep to no avail. It’s not insomnia that is keeping me awake, but instead it is a reopened wound.
It is said that time heals all wounds. I believe that. If treated properly then eventually a wound will heal and will no longer hurt. Eventually. But the wounds that are constantly reopened will not heal. And they continue to bring pain.
I had a wound get reopened today.
Almost two months ago I lost a close friendship. It hurt. I took it very hard. My heart was broken. I was angry. And to make it worse, I saw the former friend every day, so that wound was opened anew each morning. I remember praying to God, and telling him that if I could just get some time away from this person then I could deal with my hurt feelings without the distraction of that person being around. That old saying of be careful of what you ask for . . . I lived it. The person left abruptly, and the manner of his departure just added new hurt to an already aching heart.
But it’s been a month since that departure. A month to work through my feelings of hurt, disappointment, and abandonment. A month to work on letting go of the anger. A month to finally be able to honestly see that he felt he had to do with his life, and I hope that he succeeds in the plans that God has laid out for him. A month where the wound was left alone and allowed to begin to heal.
Then today I got a text that reopened that wound, and has left me completely wound up all over again.
Today I got a text from the wife of my former friend. She making accusations, and telling me that I was the only person that could have done these things, that there is no one else that could have done it, and that she was going to pursue legal action for defamation. Repeatedly I told her that I had no idea what she was talking about, and reminded her that I have not spoken to my former friend in a month.
The minute he walked out of my life I blocked him on Facebook. I didn’t want the temptation of trolling his Facebook page to try to keep up with what he’s doing. I would have been preventing my own healing. I have separated myself from him as far as I can. If he doesn’t want me in his life anymore then I will accommodate his wish out of respect for him, the years we spent as friends, and my own need for healing. But yet I was getting accused of things that, if he took a moment to think about, are completely against my character regarding our years as friends. It hurt to know that everything I had held in high regard for so many years was so easily thrown away. It was like the wound was not just reopened, but created anew all over again.
I spent the rest of the afternoon replaying, in my head, things I wanted to say back to her. Things that would not have been the adult way to handle the situation, but instead would have been prompted only by my hurt and anger. But the things I want to say would not help make the situation better. They would only make it worse, and I am tired of the situation getting worse. I just want to move forward. I want to put this all in the past, and look to tomorrow.
I climbed into bed tonight, looking forward to getting a good nights rest and then going to church tomorrow, but here it is 3 hours later. I have prayed. I have laid this all at God’s feet. And I have turned to the only other place where I can purge myself of all of this so that I can find the peace that I lost earlier today. Peace will come again, maybe at the expense of my sleep tonight, but peace will eventually come again. The wound will begin to heal again in time. One day I will look back on all of this and it will no longer hurt. One day I will look back on this friendship and think not of how it ended, but the seven years of memories that I wouldn’t trade for the world. One day . . .
But tonight I a restless. Tonight I am not at peace. Tonight my heart and soul is in pain all over again. Tonight I am sitting on my couch chain smoking in the dark because tonight there will be no sleep.
Until next time . . .