I opened a blank page to type another post in the 365 writing prompts by thinkwritten.com. But writing about going to galaxies far, far away does not seem to be what wants to come out of my fingers today. Truth be told, I have no idea what will come out of my finders. I know that there are words that have been sitting in my head for several weeks. There has been a lot of stuff that I have not spoken about to my husband or friends because how I feel is strictly a product of my own imagination.
The Spring semester at school ended this week. I am extremely happy about that. I took on too much this semester, and my grades suffered a little bit. Because of the amount of time I had to focus on my classes I have not been getting into my Bible
as much as I should at all. I have not been praying as much as I should at all.
My pastor says that times may come where we feel like God has abandoned us. Yet if we take a moment to do some self-examination then we will find that it was us that walked away from God. Perhaps it was not done intentionally. You just wake up one day and the realization of the situation hits you in the face like arctic wind.
I never decided, “today I will abandon my relationship with Christ.” I simply woke up several weeks ago and realized that I had been ignoring God for too long . . . for months. MONTHS! How can the relationship grow, deepen, become more intimate if I won’t give Him any attention? I focused on reading textbooks, completing assignments, writing papers, and taking tests. But those things did not take up every single waking moment. There would be entire days where I would sit on my couch, watching television, and say, “I’ll get in my Bible tomorrow. I’ll pray later. Right now I just need to relax.”
It’s not that I focused on the wrong books. Textbooks are necessary to learning when a person is in school and working toward a degree. I just gave too much attention to the school books and no attention to the most important book . . . the inspired word of God, the most influential teacher I will ever have.
As I focused on Sociology, Intro to Social Work, and Intermediate Algebra, my bible collected dust. My relationship with Christ collected a layer of dust to match my bible.
I was focused on myself instead of dying to self.
As a result, I have found myself to be completely out of sorts the last few weeks. I feel like a puzzle that has been torn apart and all the pieces have been thrown to the wind. My temper flares too easily. I find it harder and harder to worship each week at church. As a matter of fact, the only reason I have shown up at church the past couple of weeks is because I had to. When I do pray it seems curt and perfunctory. Thoughts about people and situations are tending to be more and more negative. Old habits are trying to resurface. Jealousy and bitterness are creeping back in. Isolation is becoming more and more predominant. I am getting a small glimpse at who I was before I found a relationship with Christ, and I know for a fact that I was a bad person with an ugly soul.
It is really easy to use the excuse, “there just isn’t time for me to get in my Bible today.” After all I am a wife, a mom, a full-time employee, a student, a servant at church . . . but those are all just excuses. We make time for the things we really want. I have not been making time for Jesus. So, does that mean I don’t want Jesus in my life.
Nope. That is not what that means at all
I have been the worst kind of friend. I have expected Jesus to do all the work in this relationship while I do nothing. I have been lazy, self-centered. I have not been an example of Christ . . . and it’s all been my choice.
That is what happens when a Christian does not give time to Jesus everyday. When you don’t feed a relationship . . . when you don’t feed yourself with God’s word . . . the relationship atrophies. It becomes a shell of what is used to be.
The good news is that u-turns can be made. Just because I have strayed from my walk with Christ, I have not lost my relationship with Him. Repentance . It is a word that many take to mean a person is begging for forgiveness. Yes, to repent is to admit where you went wrong, ask forgiveness for those things, and then turn around, change your mind and behavior. Repentance is part of resuming the line of communication that I alone shut down.
God created me and knows every single thing about me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I will occasionally stray from the path. But He also knows that I remember what it was like to be lost, and I don’t want to go back there ever. He knows that I will look to Him to lead me back onto the path to Him. And He is waiting for me right now, with open arms.
Until next time . . .