Forewarning: I have a feeling that this particular post is going to be a like a geyser spewing forth. It’s going to be forceful and largely unproductive. The meanderings of a brain needing to word-vomit. I don’t really have anything to say, but the fingers have that need-to-write itch.
I am exhausted today. I am mentally and physically spent. I have felt this way for a while. Too many directions. Too many destinations. Too many commitments. Not enough down time.
I got an email from my advisor at school today. It’s time to register for next semester. I’m thinking of not registering for next semester. I am having one of those days where I am wondering if the time that class consumes, and thus takes away from my family, is really worth it. I am having one of those days where I am discouraging myself with how long I have until I graduate. I feel like I will never get there, and if I do, I will be too old to even put that degree to work. I am having one of those days where I am talking myself out of school because of a class I have to take next semester that I know is going to kick my ass, and I am convincing myself that I am not up to the task. I’m just having one of THOSE days.
An old friend recently reappeared, much to my shock and surprise. It was not the old friend that I was hoping for. That ship has obviously sailed. Yesterday I was alright with that sailing. Tomorrow I may even be alright with that sailing. Today, I am not alright with any sailing ships. I realized recently though that I don’t miss that person. I miss what that person meant to me, and what he was in my life. I have no idea who that man is anymore, and he doesn’t know me. I miss the person that I knew and maybe I even miss, a little bit, the person I was when we were friends. But there was a reason he left, and that is that.
The amazing reappearing long-lost friend that recently resurfaced had been out of my life, by my choosing, for the past 3 years. He once told me that when people choose to walk away from him that he is done . . . completely . . . with them. If they don’t want to be around him, then he reciprocates the feeling. So that is what I did. I was a much different person three years ago. I was struggling with some demons that could not be exorcised as long as he was in my life. So, I cut all ties. I turned and walked away with nary a word as to why.
But looking back, I can also admit now that part of me was testing his word. Would he really allow me, a person he called a friend, to walk away as he said he would? Would he “chase” me? Would he call or text to find out why I was not contacting him? Nope. He was true to his word. And that hurt. It hurt a lot, because I had poured a lot of myself into that friendship. For him to so easily allow me to walk away, it made me feel disposable, useless, like a friend of convenience. It reaffirmed my feelings of our friendship being completely one-sided. So when the amazing disappearing act occurred again last year with my long-time friend . . . same feelings all over again. Why am I so disposable? Why is it so effing easy for people to walk away from me?
Because some people are takers. They will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give them, and then they move on to the next person that is of benefit to them.
That is where my head is today. I am just a general ball of discontendedness today, and for that I apologize. I have fallen into my head, because I am exhausted. It would be easy for me to say that I don’t have the strength today to fight the negativity that the past is dredging to the surface, but that would imply that I rely on my own strength.
My strength does not come from within myself. My strength comes from the Lord, but today I feel like he’s taken a coffee break in my life. There are no obstacles that I am fighting to overcome. I am simply my own obstacle, and I am getting in the way of Him.
Just for the record, I have forgiven both of those people. They were just using the coping mechanism they had at the time to deal with issues in their life that I happened to be a part of. I have been guilty of the same thing. I run. I am non-confrontational. Which is why I walked away from one friend three years ago, and allowed the other to walk away from me one year ago.
Anytime I am leading a group at Celebrate Recovery I always tell my girls to find something positive from the past week. A life can not be spent focusing solely on the negative things. Life must be balanced. Positive and negative. I’ve already spewed forth negativity, so something positive . . . so far I am acing my Social Work class. Perfect scores on all of my assignments. Today I was able to use my job to help a friend in a fundraising effort for a need in the community. My husband is getting baptized on Sunday!
Until next time . . .