It has been several weeks since I posted anything. The lack of Carrie-posts was not due (completely) to a lack of anything to write. It was because there has been so much change in my life lately that I needed an opportunity to step back, take a deep breath, and asses it all. Normally I fear change, but this has been an amazing, eye-opening experience that I could have never expected when I took the first step.
Yesterday I posted a few poems that earned me a few new followers. To those new followers I want to give a warm greeting and say thank you for following me. Allow me to introduce myself . . .
My name is Carrie Leigh. I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I am a writer, reader, lover of music and cooking. I am a d.j. at a Western Kentucky radio station. I recently celebrated my rebirth day. Yes, you read correctly . . . rebirth day. On February 23, 2014 I finally accept Jesus Christ into my heart.
The adventure to the present started on February 22nd, or maybe it would be better to say that it started 37 years before that.
I am the product of several broken homes. My mom remarried (and divorced) once after divorcing my dad, and my dad remarried (and divorced) two more times. There were also several of my parent’s significant others that traipsed in and out of my life, and a and endless string of step-brothers and step-sisters. Needless to say I have difficulty forming attachments, and take it really hard when someone I get attached to leaves my life.
My former step-father was an abusive alcoholic who felt the need to take aim at me. One night found me and my mom escaping the house after his tirade finally ended and he fell asleep. We spent the night with one of my aunts after we stopped at the police station on the way to her house. He tried to buy my affection back the next day with a new pair of socks.
I was almost raped by a former boyfriend when I took him to the store to buy a Mother’s Day card for his mom. Luckily a police car drove by and spooked him. He then tried to blame it on me, and his mother threatened to get him a lawyer because I refused to take the blame for what he tried to do.
My father is a recovered drug addict. He lost his business, home, cars, entire family except for me . . . he lost everything. He and I didn’t speak for a long time because of the anger I had at him for throwing everything away. Via letters through the good ol’ postal service while he was in prison we worked through my anger and I am sadly the only family member he has that will actually speak to him.
The relationship I was in right before I started dating my husband was mentally and physically abusive. He would berate me, hit on other women in front of me, scream and yell at me, leave bruises that he made sure were able to be covered by clothing. That was the first time I cheated in a relationship. I had no control over that relationship. I couldn’t get out of it and was completely unhappy. So I found someone who made me happy, if only for a little while.
I am not saying all of this to you so that you will feed pity for me . . . “Oh, poor Carrie.” There are people in this world who have it so much harder than me. I know that compare to some people my life has been a cake walk. I’ve always had a roof over my head. I’ve never wanted for any necessity. There wasn’t much money when I was growing up. Yes, I was the poor kid in class, but my mom and dad always made sure that I made it to band practice and that I had a steady supply of reeds and cork grease for my Clarinet and Saxophone.
What I am saying is that everyone has a story to tell. Everybody has a wound that needs to be healed. I got so tired of holding on, of lying to myself that I was alright, that I didn’t need help. I went to church with a friend on February 23rd and every wall that I had against God broke down. I had no defenses left against him and, in tears, cried “God, I need you now!”
I was not raised in the church. My family is Baptist, and I attended Baptist churches periodically as a child. I went to mass at a couple of different Catholic churches with my father’s 2nd wife, and attended services regularly for about a year at a Methodist church when I was a teenager. Out of all those churches and denominations I never found a place that felt like home. I never felt the presence of God.
Then God sent me Brandi. I’ve known her for almost a year, and she and I became close friends fast. I was at work the night of February 22nd when she came to visit me. She had gotten involved with a new church a few months earlier and renewed her relationship with God. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everyone is brought into our lives for a reason. Brandi was brought into my life to witness to me and help me find my way to God. I promised to go to church with her the next morning, and I kept my promise despite the fear that almost kept me at home. I was terrified! I hadn’t set foot in a church in nearly 10 years.
The words she said to me that Saturday night left me with no doubt that God was calling me to take him into my life. At church the next day that fact was completely undeniable. As we sat there near the end of the service I could feel God pulling at my heart. I could feel him holding his hand out to me. I just had to reach out and take it. I prayed and opened myself up to Him and nothing has been the same since. I was baptized the next Sunday.
In the past three weeks life has not gotten easier. I now see aspects of my life that I previously thought were okey dokey as selfish, prideful, and against God’s word. I am working really hard to clean my life back up. Unfortunately that meant that I had to hurt someone who had a become a very good friend to me . . . the drummer.
I have been married for almost nine-and-a-half years, and met the drummer last October. I was swept away by him, and before I knew it I had fallen in love with him. A couple of days ago I met with him and told him that I was trying to clean my life back up and get it back on track. That meant that I had to let go of him for a little while. The conversation did not go how I hoped. Mean things were said, anger flared, trust was broken, and the potential for a future friendship may have been lost. I can only pray and hope that God will lead the drummer and I into a proper friendship, not one that is based on improper intentions, if it is His will. Does that mean that I do not miss the drummer? Absolutely not. He made me laugh and smile. We got along well, and could talk about anything. But consummated or not adultery is adultery if the intention is there, and what do the Ten Commandments say about adultery? But I still miss him, and pray that God helps me get my heart in the right place and helps the drummer see past his anger with me to be able to see that.
I make time to pray everyday. I’ve found that my 45-minute drive to and from work is a great time to talk to God. I have a great support system in Brandi, Church and my husband. There have been a few occasions over the last few weeks (especially this week) where it seemed like it would be easier to throw in the towel and return to my former ways, but God has faith in me that I can overcome all the obstacles that are trying to keep me from him. So I have faith that he will give me the strength, patience, and guidance to get me past those obstacles.
I can’t wait to see where God leads me. Please feel free to join me on my new journey. Brandi said it best that Saturday night at work . . . “Don’t change. Just come.”
Until next time . . .