Solace searching

alone

How do I write about you when I’m not allowed to even say your name?

How can I pour out my heart in the only way I know how when I have to guard my heart against you?

How can I speak of your eyes or your voice, your smile or your laugh, when the joy they bring me has to be held as a secret?

How do I voice what my soul is feeling when I’m not supposed to feel this way?

How can I look at you, speak to you, when it’s you I need to be running from?

How can I reconcile what is a desire to the reality of life?

How do I let go of the dream when it was never mine to begin with?

How do I bridge the gap between what is and what could be?

How do I turn away when you unknowingly keep me turned toward you?

How do I live a life with you where you aren’t all that I see?

How do I end what should have never began?

Advertisements

Is there anyone out there like me?

I have a Dr. Seuss quote on the back window of my car.  This quote is also on my Facebook page . . .

dr seuss

We are not created to be clones of each other with the same personality, and wearing the same clothes, and going to the same restaurants, and driving the same boring cars.  Life is meant to be lived and experienced while embracing the full uniqueness of ones self.

With that being said, sometimes it’s lonely here in my uniqueness.  Is there anyone out there like me?

A Tale of a T-Rex does not exist to wax poetic about exotic travel destinations, the latest beauty trend, gourmet recipes that you absolutely MUST try, or even to show off some fancypants photography that you and your Instagram filters captured (says the woman whose front page photo was taken and filtered with Instagram because I liked the way the clouds looked).

A Tale of a T-Rex exists to display me.  ME!  The real me.  Not the me that I want to create and manipulate for you to see.  Here is my heart.  Here is my soul.  Here are all the little bitty things about me that make me Heather.  Yet, as I search for others like me, people that I can connect with, blogs I can delve into and see that I am not the only unique person here, I find that most posts are exactly like everyone else’s.  They are khaki-pants-wearing-prius-driving-falsely-intellectual, and they have absolutely nothing to say about anything that is important.

I don’t want to hear yet another opinion on sports, politics, or global warming.  For that I can turn on any self-righteous news channel.  I want to find posts from people that are being honest and real.

I want to find people that are opening themselves up to others and displaying their own heart and soul, their brokenness, their sadness, their joy, their tears and laughter, their real selves.

But instead I see nothing but people who post just to have posts, rather than posting something of quality.  Today I unfollowed somebody because their most riveting post in the past 24-hours was about what is coming to Netflix in October.

Who are you?

What makes you, you?

Are you unique?

What makes you unique?

If you are willing to lay yourself out for the written world to see, then I want to follow you, because that is what A Tale of a T-Rex is.  I have little to hide.

**knock knock**

Is there anyone out there like me?

Hello?

Words (poem)

Everybody has words way down deep inside
Everybody has words that sometimes can’t hide
Everybody has words expressed in the fluid grace of dance
Gliding, leap, soar the words twisting them into chance
Everybody has words in the lilting notes of a song
A gentle hum or belted tune free the words so strong
Everybody has words in a pen through which the hearts ink flows
Line after line it all pours out into novel, letter, and prose
Everybody has words desperate to come out, waiting behind shadowed eyes
A blink, a tear, a stolen glance turn the words into truth or lies
Everybody has words, quiet, sheltered, and deep
Words that no one will ever hear and no one will ever see
Everybody has words . . .

By:  Carrie Leigh
02.12.15

Unwelcome (poem)

Get out of my head
You’re not welcome there
Your memory is unwanted
From a past secretly shared
You have no place in my world
Of your memory I have no need
You were a hurdle to overcome
A hurdle I no longer see
So stop finding ways into my head
Through my memories and dreams
You’re unwelcome, undesired
You no longer mean anything to me
I’ve made my peace with our past
I painfully let you go
Now you are someone who simply was
Someone I used to know
I’ve said goodbye to all you were
I turned my back on what you meant
So kindly take what remains of you
Remove your memory from my head

By:  Carrie Leigh
02.05.15

The True Heart of Memphis

I will admit that this particular blog has been difficult to write. I have struggled for about three weeks to find the right words to share this experience with you so that you could see it the way I did. There were many false starts that ended with me hitting the delete button on the keyboard. But then today the words finally came.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go down to Memphis for Country Cares weekend at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. As I toured the hospital I had what the St. Jude staff calls my “St. Jude moment,” that moment when everything that I had been talking about for the past three years on my radio station became real.

I’ve always known about the work that they do in that hospital, and how the research they are doing is saving children all over the world. But to step inside and see the hospital for myself . . . it was breathtaking and awe-inspiring. It is so colorful and bright. I could feel the hope in the air. It is not a place to go to be sick. St. Jude is a place to go to live!

That moment made me so thankful to each and every person in the world that believes in Danny Thomas’ dream as much as he did, and that continues to help support the miracles that St. Jude is making everyday.

The True Heart of Memphis

A gleaming white statue
Stand firm and tall
protecting the miracles
inside the walls
03 St Jude statue
In a sanctuary built
on a promise and dream
An army of hope
takes on a foe best never seen
In a world of color and life
the battle wages everyday
Where our children bow their heads
and, for another tomorrow, pray
Where doctors help the sick
and nurses bring the smiles
Where an A-B-C wall spells hope and fear
and the researchers never tire
04 ABC Wall
Where the bust of Danny sits
with his shiny good-luck nose
In a shrine to the hopeless cases
that, till every child is saved, will never close
05 Danny Thomas bust

The sun shines down eternally
in the haven of hopes and dreams
as children look to the day
of their No-Mo-Chemo bead
The walls give hope to the hopeless
They give another day, a month, a life
In the true heart of Memphis
St. Jude stands with hope and light
06 St Jude Children

01.26.15

07 St Jude logo

Memory Lane

Sometimes I miss you
Out of the blue
Sometimes I miss you
There’s nothing I can do
I can go for days
For weeks at a time
Then all of the sudden you’re there
Sitting on top of my mind
Sometimes I miss you
Your laugh and your fear
All the dreams you were reaching for
The insecurity you let me near
Sometimes I miss
Just being near you
The longing I felt
That made me run from you
There was no friendship
No solid ground
We were built on sand
Destined to crumble down
But sometimes when my mind gets quiet
And thinks down memory’s path
I miss the illusion I believed so much
I miss the addiction that swallowed me fast.
Maybe you’ll never leave my memories
You’ll always appear out of the blue
Just when I’m least ready for the trip
I’m down memory lane led by you

By:  Carrie Leigh
02.04.15

Unwelcome (poem)

Just when I think you’re gone

you haunt me in a dream

The one place I can’t escape you

The last place you find me

I turn my head and there you are

A reminder of what is gone

Tempting me to go back to that place

The battle still wages on

I’ve come too far to turn back to you

I’ve fought so hard to escape

You come to me in the night

Because you’re unwelcome in my days

Try all you want to pull me back

Slip your way into my dreams

But you have no power in my life

You no longer mean anything to me.

By:  Carrie Leigh

12.20.14

But Now I See (poem)

How is it possible to see through closed eyes
To live always in the dark
Then to open your eyes, be filled with light
And have the truth flood your heart
Was the truth always in front of my eyes
Or was it hiding away unseen
Was it ignored because it would hurt
To destroy an image so clean
To finally see a person
For what is really inside
To see the truth beneath their masquerade
And to learn they’re actually a lie
All the words that once had meaning
Are now quicksand beneath their feet
As I question everything about their life
And what it says about me
Opened eyes blinded by truth
Are closed once again
As I can finally see what hides inside
Someone I called a friend
Manipulative words and a deceiving heart
With loyalty that lies nowhere
My eyes have been opened and see you clear
For the chameleon hiding in thin air

By:  Carrie Leigh
12.15.14

Let go (poem)

I fought to make you part of my life
Then I fought to let you go
You were all I could see
You were all I wanted to know
Yours was the only music I wanted to hear
You were the only person
I wanted in my life so near
I wanted to give you all of me
I wanted to give you my heart
I wanted to be consumed by your eyes
Two lives made one in every part
How I wrapped my life around yours
How I jumped in so blind
How I risked everything
for what I can finally leave behind
My eyes are clear and open
My heart no longer in your hands
Once you were all I wanted
I slipped away like wind blowing sand
I don’t look back with anger
There is no hatred in my heart
You and I were simply what was
Something temporary meant to part
A year later I can finally let you go
Let the curtain come down on that act of my life
We were a chapter that reached its end
I can finally tell you goodbye
By: Carrie Leigh
11.04-05.14

Wonderfully and fearfully made

image

I have four tattoos.
I have a nose ring.
I have very darkly colored hair.
I like to wear dark eyeliner.

What do these things tell you about who I am.  Not a single thing.  Those attributes do not tell you what is in my heart.  They merely tell you how I choose to make myself feel pretty.

We all have things about our appearance that somebody else will disapprove of.  What makes you a beautiful person is not how you look.  Beauty is all of the individual pieces of your heart and soul.  When we look in the mirror we see our face, but when God looks at us He sees our heart, He sees the wonderfully and fearfully created man or woman that He made us to be.

You are beautiful!  You are wonderfully and fearfully made by the one who knew exactly what He was doing when He made you.  Everything that you are on the outside is beautiful.  Everything that you are on the inside . . . Breathtaking.

God knew what he was doing when he made us.  Celebrate His artistry in every person you meet.

Until next time . . .